Wednesday, June 30, 2010


So the only store open when I get off is Walmart, so I go there.. Yes I know it's not the best store, it does have everything though. Well yesterday I went to go buy some capri pants for the weekend since I'm going to go watch the BF play flag football and it's gonna be so hot! So I went with my little sister and brother, and I tried on five different pairs, I only came out with two that I liked. They are the same size, same fit, same brand, but different color. I love them though, makes my stomach slim and my butt big, lol!! That's what the BF likes!! Anyways, I felt fat, of course I did, I was like, how can these other pants not fit? OMG!!! So, I said to myself, "Oh well, that means I get to save money, I wont have to buy more pants then because they don't fit!" Now that's thinking positive!!! See it's all working, me thinking positive, I have been super successful lately and I'm so proud!!! If the BF were to be reading my blogs he would be too!! :D

Monday, June 28, 2010


All women want to change things about themselves, two being a big factor, first is there body figure and second is their attitude/behavior (about themselves or in general). This is true to a lot of women, not all, because I don't know all women, but anyways, it's true for me.

I want to change my figure, OF COURSE I do, what would I change? HMMMM, my everything, except my eyes and lips... I want everything smaller and stretchmarks gone.. but of course it's not gonna happen.. what do I need to change about my behavior? A lot, I'm impatient, short tempered, mean, and everything else girls are.. But about myself, I can be self-conscious a LOT and depressing, and sad and all that, I can sometimes put myself down, so it's depressing and depressing to tell the whole world.

BUT since changing your body means exercise and better eating habits, I've tried both and it just takes too much work, I know I know, I'm complaing and LAZY to many of you, but I have a better idea, because living my life and hating the skin that I'm walking in is just too DEPRESSING. I want to be able to adapt and love my body and my figure. The body and curves that my parents gave to me should be accepted by me and others, if it's not accepted by others, why should I bash it too? I live in it, it's not gonna change if I don't do anything to it, and I haven't done much, so love it, live it and take pride in it. I'm learning to adapt/change my attitude because I want to accept myself the way that I am (full figured and some). The BF accepts me, why don't I? It's probably because all my life I've been put down for being bigger than others, now that I see that I am bigger than others, I'm so used to being put down and getting that kind of feedback that I put myself down. Sad, huh? True to many women and men..

So I've decided instead of changing my body, I'm going to change my attitude. I need to love myself in order to be with the BF because if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else. I love the BF very much, but it's difficult when I don't have confidence in myself. Sure I have some confidence, but when I feel nasty and icky, that's how I feel and I even seem depressing, I know he tries to help me not feel that way, but it's not about him or it's not him or anything to do with him, it's all me, THAT is why I have to change my attitude. I'm doing good so far, I look in the mirror and tell myself, yeah you are beautiful AND big, instead of saying you are beautiful BUT big.. I feel that being big adds to me and who I am. I stand for a lot of things, and being a plus size chick, it just adds to what I stand for. I'm looking at myself everyday and not saying "ewww you look nasty and fat, I hate my life, I hate being fat, I wish I was skinny". DEPRESSING, I'm 21, and I have been living and thinking and believing this all my life, I have my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to take a hold of it and make sure I don't think this way. Life is too short to be depressed, too short to live with social statuses, and too short to be wasted.

So with my new life and new attitude, I will be happy and positive. This will open up so many doors and so many more opportunities, I will be so up-beat and positive that I will be able to take chances and not be so scared and afraid because of the way others may think of me and my body. I will take those chances whether they like me or not!

Friday, June 25, 2010


Looking at myself in the mirror before I showered, I was examining my hips! I was amazed at how fast they grew out without me even knowing. I was saddened because I hate the fact that they are growing, bigger hips mean new pants, which isn't a good thing, I don't want to HAVE to spend money on pants... I also saw the nasty stretchmarks that are lingering all over, the ones that I have never seen before... I have come to realize that I have been far to worried about other things than my body. I'm overweight, most likely unhealthy, but how would I know? I can't afford to go in for a check up. Exercising even once a week is too much, I hate to have to think about it and having to push myself to go there. I want to be self-motivated there and be able to do it without forcing myself. I want to want to do it and I want to have fun doing it. I used to exercise every few times a week, now it's like I don't have time because of my two jobs and then on the weekends I want to go out instead of spend time working out. I guess that's really no excuse, it's probably and is because I am too lazy and I feel disgusting when I work out, I don't ever want anyone to be around when I'm working out because I feel grouse and look it too! See what one little thing can do to me? DEPRESSION I tell ya.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Plus Size Modeling

I have been thinking about plus size modeling for a week now, not too long, but overtime too just not as serious as I am now. I searched several places for an opportunity and there are several, BUTT (and it's a big butt too) I feel like I don't have the time or the money. All the places whether it's training to be or the shows are in bigger cities, sure I'm not too far from a couple but still, for me to have to haul myself and my luggage and my car somewhere far to do all that good stuff is such a hassle. If I do want to do/go I will have to compensate some money and time, which I don't have..... So, I should train myself to walk the model walk and look/feel like one, THEN we will see what I decide to do.

I'm also trying to show myself on different pages to get known and noticed, not that there's anything to notice about me, but just so people connect the name and the face together. lol, sounds so funny when you have to write it down. I hope that everything helps me in the long run and I'm sure it will if I put everything in good use and be wise about everything. Am I wise? No, but I'll try for my future!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Waking Up and Feeling Guilty

This morning I woke up and I was feeling so tired and lazy, it was kind of difficult to get out of bed. I was like, Oh My Gosh, I feel super guilty about eating and then sleeping right away last night, but what can I do when I have two jobs, get home and eat a quick dinner. It's already time to go to bed when I'm done with my dinner and I don't want to stay up for it to digest because it takes forever and I don't have forever to stay up when I have to wake up early to head off to work (whew, that was a mouthful). So I felt the blubber weighing me down this morning, maybe I should starve every night when I get home from working all day, but I hear that will make me gain even more weight. It's silly how you starve and you gain weight, you eat and you gain weight, so no matter what you do, you will still GAIN WEIGHT. So, I say, eat because then you don't have the pain of being hungry and you can eat. :D